A harness, a back door, and a broken-hearted puppy

Xena

After yesterday’s email about the “worst-case” and “best-case” scenarios of Emotionally Sensitive Thinking Dog™ ownership, one of our great American Dirus™ dog owners, Anna, shared a wonderfully heartfelt story about her girl, Xena.

As Anna recounted, Xena has her thresholds.

She will file through the front door without fuss and climb calmly into the car as if it were a rolling den, but the back garage door seems to have a lingering energy that Xena refuses to approach.

Xena will circle it like it’s reverberating a creepy invisible barrier she doesn’t want to go through.

But that’s not all that Xena finds difficult.

When it’s time for Anna to attach Xena’s harness, something clicks in Xena’s mind.

Once the harness is finally clipped on, Xena is perfectly content, but the act of putting on the harness and buckling it is a negotiation Xena would rather avoid.

To counter Xena’s negative feeling about the harness, Anna generally makes a game of it.

Chasing each other around the yard, laughing, they play until Anna catches Xena, slips the harness on, and buckles the clasps.

Then, they share a hug before going out together for a hike in the beautiful nearby mountains.

For the most part, this routine has worked… until one morning, it didn’t.

And here is Anna, in her own words:

"This particular day I was going to take her for a hike. I was looking to get out early and beat the heat of the day but I was running behind on the time. I wanted to leave so I was already feeling the pressure and getting frustrated. I grabbed the harness and off she bounded.

“At some point in my terminator style walk to catch her she understood this was not our usual playful session.

“I just wanted to get her in the harness and loaded into the car.

“She sensed my frustration and laid down in the grass.

“I caught up to her and moved to put her harness on. Usually if she sits or lays down and I put her harness on she will stand for me when I go to buckle the clips that go under her chest but this time she didn’t move and I’m certainly not lifting 110lbs of dog that doesn’t want to move.

“My frustration peaked and I yelled at her.

“Why out of all mornings was this the one we were going to have issues? It was supposed to be a fun day for both of us.

“I walked away resolved to give her and myself time to think but as I walked I glanced back.

“My puppy looked at me with her broken heart in her eyes and my very soul melted. She didn’t understand.

“It is a very rare occasion I am putting her in her harness that early in the morning so things were already unusual add to that I wasn’t playing with her and the harness like we usually would and she could feel I was upset.

“I knew I’d messed up in letting my own anger get the better of me and I needed to fix it. So I went back to her. I unbuckled the harness from her neck and leaned into her as she laid in the grass and, timeline be darned, I was going to sit with her for as long as it took.

“And so I scratched her head and the spots on her chest and tummy that she loves and I whispered my apologies to her. This wasn’t her fault but my own shortcomings of expectations that realistically didn’t even matter in the grand scheme of things.

We stayed that way for 10-15 minutes, her little heart lifted, she sat up, and began to lick my face.”

What an incredible story that perfectly illustrates the emotional nature of our unique and wonderful breed of dog.

Anna could have forced the harness on, clipped the straps, and marched Xena through the back gate, calling it “training.”

Plenty of voices tell you to grit your teeth and be the alpha.

And there are times and instances in which it is appropriate to do just that.

In this instance, though, Anna did the harder thing:

Despite her frustration,

she took a deep breath and returned.

Loosening the harness straps, she sank into the grass and stroked the spots Xena adored, slowly melting away the tension and confusion that had made them both so rigid.

Anna whispered apologies instead of demands.

And she let the silence between them do the work of mending.

Later, she took the long way around the yard to relieve any pressure Xena had been feeling.  

They didn’t take any shortcuts and were able to leave together in the end.

The hike that day wasn’t merely a walk, was it?

It was repair in motion.

Step, breath, relax, and trust.

Weeks on, the habit hasn’t quite vanished completely.

Xena still hesitates at the harness.

She still pauses at the threshold of the back door.

But she no longer bolts like prey when Anna reaches for the harness.

The rhythm between them has shifted.

It’s not perfect, but it’s certainly a different flow now.

There is less clash and more breath.

Here is an important truth:

Humans and canines speak different languages.

Humans come armored with schedules, expectations, rules, and deadlines.

Dogs arrive with feelings, reflection, awareness, and reaction.

There is no getting around it.

We, humans, are bound to mess up from time to time.

In stressful situations, we might just raise our voice and let frustration take over.

But in that small space after the misstep, the relationship can be repaired and even strengthened.

In those moments, you can either:

1. Harden and insist you are right, or
2. Soften and humbly return.

Anna chose to come back and honor Xena's feelings.

She didn’t insist on her way.

She allowed presence, apology, and time.

Those just might be the three quiet medicines an Emotionally Sensitive Thinking Dog™ trusts above all else.

If there is one thing I want you to carry from Anna and Xena’s story today, it is this:

Learn to see the soul behind those bright, intelligent eyes.

When an Emotionally Sensitive Thinking Dog™ looks at you with confusion or those “broken-heart” eyes, louder is not always the answer.

Right now, I’m deep in the editing den of a new essential resource for you.

I hope Canine Culture Shock™ will be more than just another dog training book, but a comprehensive guide that gives you everything you need to understand the specific nature of an Emotionally Sensitive Thinking Dog™ from day one.

Every chapter is being carefully fine-tuned so you won’t just read about canine behavior.

You’ll feel it, see it, and know exactly how to respond in ways that strengthen your bond instead of fraying it.

Stories like Anna and Xena’s are why I’m making sure every page gives you the insights, tools, and gentle wisdom that our unique dogs deserve.

You can read more about this upcoming resource here:

https://direwolfproject.com/direwolf-publishing/coming-soon1/canine-culture-shock/

Because the right guidance, at the right moment, can turn instances of confusion into lifelong trust.

Jennifer Stoeckl is the co-founder of the Dire Wolf Project, founder of the DireWolf Guardians American Dirus Dog Training Program, and owner/operator of DireWolf Dogs of Vallecito. She lives in the beautiful inland northwest among the Ponderosa pine forests with her pack of American Dirus dogs.