Jonny Devaney does "Adopting an American Dirus dog"

So you want an American Dirus dog?

Scene: A serious-looking interviewer sits at a desk, wearing glasses and holding a clipboard.

Across from them sits an excited potential dog owner, grinning ear to ear.

Interviewer: [adjusts glasses] So, you think you're ready for an American Dirus dog?

Excited Applicant: Absolutely! I love big dogs!

Interviewer: [nods] Great. This is a BIG dog. Like, “takes up half your couch” big.

Excited Applicant: Perfect! I also want a dog that looks like a wolf!

Interviewer: [squints] Okay, well, let’s be clear. It looks like a wolf, sure. But does it act like a wolf? No. It’s not gonna tear apart your furniture or go “alpha mode” on your household. It’s more like... a wise old monk who occasionally farts and wants cuddles.

Excited Applicant: …So majestic!

Interviewer: [deadpan] Majestic, yes. Also, a little judgmental. It will silently watch you make poor life choices. Did you just drop food on the floor? The Dirus saw. Did you trip over nothing? The Dirus saw. Did you bring home a date who is questionable at best? Oh, you better believe the Dirus saw—and it’s judging.

Excited Applicant: [laughs nervously] That’s fine. I just want a loyal dog!

Interviewer: Oh, it’ll be loyal. Like “ride-or-die, bury-the-body, secret-keeper-for-life” loyal.

Excited Applicant: Whoa.

Interviewer: Yeah. It chooses its human, and once it does? Congratulations, you have a shadow for the next 12+ years. Going to the bathroom? It’s coming. Cooking dinner? It’s supervising. Feeling sad? It’s leaning all 120 pounds of its massive body against you because emotional support is best delivered via suffocation.

Excited Applicant: I love that.

Interviewer: Good, because there’s no take-backs. Once an American Dirus bonds with you, you belong to them. They will follow you into battle, into the unknown, into the bathtub if necessary.

Excited Applicant: [laughing] Okay, okay! So, do they need a lot of exercise?

Interviewer: Not really! They’re thinkers, not sprinters. They’re less “frantic fetch machine” and more “hmm… let me analyze this situation before committing.”

Excited Applicant: So… kinda like a lazy genius?

Interviewer: Exactly. If they had thumbs, they’d be writing the next big breakthrough in quantum physics instead of running in circles or fetching a ball. They are strategic, methodical, and composed. They don’t just do things because you said so. They need to consider the request, file it in their brain, and THEN execute.

Excited Applicant: [nodding] So, they’re intelligent.

Interviewer: [leans forward] They’re terrifyingly intelligent. You ever get outsmarted by a dog before?

Excited Applicant: Uh… no?

Interviewer: [darkly] You will.

Excited Applicant: …Should I be scared?

Interviewer: Not unless you have weak leadership skills. This dog respects fair, consistent, calm leadership. You can’t be wishy-washy with an American Dirus, or it’ll just take over your entire household.

Excited Applicant: You mean like, become the alpha?

Interviewer: No, no. Not in a dominance way. More like “I have assessed that you are incompetent, so I will be making all executive decisions from now on” way.

Excited Applicant: [laughs] Okay, okay! I get it! What about food motivation?

Interviewer: [sighs deeply] They are… picky. They are the gourmet food critics of the dog world.

Excited Applicant: So… no cheap kibble?

Interviewer: Oh, please. If you try to serve a Dirus off-brand dog food, it will look at you like you just insulted its ancestors.

Excited Applicant: What about treats?

Interviewer: It depends. They will either:

1. Turn their nose up at it completely.
2. Sniff it dramatically before rejecting it.
3. Decide, on a whim, that this is the best thing they’ve ever eaten… today.

Excited Applicant: [laughing] Sounds high-maintenance.

Interviewer: [grinning] Oh, they’re not for amateurs.

Excited Applicant: I love a challenge.

Interviewer: Then congratulations! You might just be ready for an American Dirus dog!

(Dramatic music swells.)

Excited Applicant: So when do I get my puppy?

Interviewer: [serious look] First, you must answer… The Final Question.

Excited Applicant: [nervous gulp] O-okay… what is it?

Interviewer: [leans in] …How do you feel about finding fur in your coffee… for the rest of your life?

Excited Applicant: …I mean, that’s not so bad—

Interviewer: [interrupts, dead serious] ON THE INSIDE OF THE LID.

(Applicant’s eyes widen in horror. The lights flicker. Somewhere in the distance, a lone tumbleweed made of dog fur rolls by.)

Excited Applicant: [whispers] …I accept my fate. [dramatic pause] Yes.

Interviewer: [smiles] Then welcome to the pack!

Now get your booty over the our online puppy adoption questionnaire and fill out your request, pronto.

https://direwolfproject.com/puppy-application/

Jennifer Stoeckl is the co-founder of the Dire Wolf Project, founder of the DireWolf Guardians American Dirus Dog Training Program, and owner/operator of DireWolf Dogs of Vallecito. She lives in the beautiful inland northwest among the Ponderosa pine forests with her pack of American Dirus dogs.